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Helpful Fire Prevention Tips

1. If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.  
2. Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.  
3. There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
4. When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.  
5. Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.  
6. If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.  
7. Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.  
8. Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.  
9. Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)  
10. Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.  
11. Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.  
12. Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.  
13. Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.  
14. Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.

Source: The Onion

What To Do In Case Of Fire

Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you should:

1. Look for the safe escape route, checking all doorknobs for signs of heat.

2. Call 911, or—if no phone is nearby—shout out window for help.

3. Cough violently.

4. Become engulfed in flames.

5. Collapse to floor.

6. Burn to death.

Source: The Onion

Area Tomcat Declares Himself President Of Greasewood Flat

In a daring and unprecedented move, a local tomcat known only as "Thomas" has declared himself President of Greasewood Flat.  When asked for his qualifications, Thomas cited his luxurious coat, fierce yellow eyes, razor sharp claws, and (ahem), two other unmentionable attributes.  His cabinet will be made up of himself, his six wives (aka daughters), and the smarter of the three donkeys.  His four year plan involves a war with neighboring Pinnacle Peak Patio, chicharrone subsidizing, and a nationwide bacon addiction hot line. When asked for a quote, Thomas pointed to himself and said "who's got no opposable thumbs and runs this joint?  This guy!"

What To Do In Case Of An Emergency

This is a very informative video about the subtle nuances of how to handle yourself during a crisis.  Watch it a few times, and take notes, as there will be a test on it at the next meeting.  You never know when this content could help save a life.

Click the picture to view the video.

Source : Funny or Die!